


Heroes

by nnaolona



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Hawkmoth is not important, M/M, Miraculous Ladybug AU, Slow Burn, everyone is French and they live in Paris
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-02-11 00:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18671344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nnaolona/pseuds/nnaolona
Summary: Evan Hansen wasn’t the hero of the story. He wasn’t saving Paris almost every day. He wasn’t Ladybug, he wasn’t Chat Noir. He didn’t have a Miraculous. And honestly, that wasn’t a surprise to him. He was a mess. How could he save Paris when he couldn’t even save himself?In fact, Evan Hansen had been akumatized twice. The first time had been a few months ago, before the summer. The second time was, well, right now.ORDEH characters in the Miraculous Universe.





	1. Chapter 1

Evan Hansen wasn’t the hero of the story. He wasn’t saving Paris almost every day. He wasn’t Ladybug, he wasn’t Chat Noir. He didn’t have a Miraculous. And honestly, that wasn’t a surprise to him. He was a mess. How could he save Paris when he couldn’t even save himself?

In fact, Evan Hansen had been akumatized twice. The first time had been a few months ago, before the summer. The second time was, well, right now.

Evan was kneeling on the floor. The last thing he could remember was being in the computer lab of his school, feeling awful. Connor Murphy, brother of the amazing Zoe Murphy, had just yelled at him and stolen his letter to himself.

Now, Evan was looking at Ladybug and Chat noir fist-bumping in front of him. Oh no, he thought. It happened. Again. Why did I do this time? He had trouble catching his breath. His arm was hurting. The one with the cast.

He just kept staring at the two superheroes, trying to calm his breathing. Ladybug had a bright smile on her face. She was wearing her red suit, of course, and her mask. Her black hair was tied up in a high ponytail. Her earring beeped and she waved at Char Noir before leaving.

Chat Noir offered her hand at Evan to help him to his feet. She was wearing her black leather suit, which Evan found a bit weird, but he found all superheroes costumes weird, they all looked like pajamas. Her brown hair was separated into two braids that fell on her shoulder.

Evan took Chat Noir’s hand. His legs were shaking. His whole body was shaking. His breathing wasn’t completely steady yet, but it was better.

“Evan, right?” she asked.

Evan nods.

“Let’s get you away from the rooftops” Chat Noir continued.

She slid her arm around his waist, which felt weird. Evan wasn’t used to physical contact. Chat Noir then jumped. Evan let out a cry before putting both arms around the superhero. After a few seconds, they landed in front of his school. Evan let go of Chat Noir. He was shaking again. Great.

The students have crowed before the school. They were all pointing and looking at him. He was sure they would be laughing at him for the next week, at least.

“I think you better go home,” Chat Noir said. “I have to go before I transform in front of you.”

Evan nodded while staring at her jumping back on the roofs. He looked at the school again and then he turned away and almost ran home.

He fell on his bed. Tears started to run down his face. He hurt people. Again. Now everyone who didn’t hate him last time will. Why couldn’t he just control his emotions? Evan tried to calm himself. He didn’t want to get akumatized again, right after he already had.

Once he managed to stop crying, he got up and went to the living room, hugging his pillow to his chest. He turned the TV on. He wanted to see how much damage he has made. He wished his mom was here.

There was a special channel for Akuma attacks, a channel that showed images of the last Akuma attack 24/7. No one could forget he has just been akumatized. School would be horrible for the next few days. School is always horrible, Evan reminded himself.

A big stone monster that nobody could yell at or push or ignore. That was what he turned into. The exact opposite to last time. Last time he had been invisible. Really invisible. He couldn’t even see his hands.

This time, he started by destroying the school, and then he started wandering around in the streets of Paris. Akuma victims were usually looking for the one specific person who caused them to be akumatized. Evan didn’t. It was only his fault, after all.

 ----

There he was, in the computer lab at school. Connor just ran away with his letter after he had yelled at him. Oh god. He has my letter. Oh no, what if he shows Zoe? She will think that I’m crazy. She will hate me. He probably hates me too. What if they show the whole school the letter? Then everyone will know just pathetic I am.

And then, a black butterfly appears. As soon as he touches the sharpie that Evan is still holding, everything goes black and he is suddenly very very very angry.

“Golem” he hears. “I am Hawkmoth. I give you the power to never be pushed or yelled at or ignored again, the power to be seen by everyone. In exchange, you will bring me Chat Noir’s and Ladybug’s Miraculous. Deal?"

“Deal.”

Golem transforms. The weak body of the boy with a broken arm grows and grows and grows and the arm heals and Golem is covered in stone. Golem grows again and again and again until the ceiling crumbles over him. He hears screaming. All the little humans are running away. They won’t make it far. Golem yells and smashes another part of the school with his feet. He walks in the streets of Paris, destroying everything, screaming and yelling. No one could ignore him.

Golem isn’t after someone in particular. Of course, he wants to break every bone, one by one, in the body of the Connor Murphy. But he also wants to tear apart the body of the Zoe Murphy and the Heidi Hansen and the Jared Kleinman and of every little human.

Golem spots Ladybug. She tries to stop him by wrapping her yo-yo around his arm. He waves it and the bug is projected onto a building. Unfortunately, Chat Noir comes in and grabs her just before she crashes onto the wall. The chat starts to hit Golem with his ridiculous stick. Golem bends over to pick him and –

 

Evan is woken up by his mother calling him.

“Evan!” she calls “Is everything fine, honey?”

Evan tried nodding but suddenly felt tears forming in his eyes. Heidi noticed, rushed to him and hugged him.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

Evan didn’t answer. The TV was still on. She would see the images and understand. She would be so disappointed. She would hate him.

“Oh, Evan.” She knew. “Honey, are you okay? What happened? Did someone hurt you?”

Evan didn’t want to tell her about what had happened with Connor. She would only be disappointed and ashamed that her son couldn’t even talk to people without making them angry. So he lied.

“I just…I started, uh, panicking and I-I got nervous because it was the first d-day of school and...”

“Oh, Evan!”

They sat silently, hugging each other, for quite some time. Then they got up and his mom quickly made him something to eat. He ate, she watched him, “you don’t have to go to school tomorrow,” she told him, she asked him if he wanted her to stay, he said he’ll be okay, he went to sleep.

He woke up the next morning and stayed in bed. He didn’t want to face everyone at school. He had just destroyed it the day before. Everyone hated him now. And he couldn’t blame them. They would probably talk behind his back and he really did not want to hear the whispers and feel the stares. Home was good. His bed was good. He fell asleep again.

It was now common knowledge that being akumatized drained your body. You needed sleep and you needed to eat after being transformed. Evan did just that of his day. Near the end of the afternoon, he was tired of sleeping and ended up on his computer, watching some stupid Minecraft YouTube videos. There was this one YouTuber that Evan liked a lot because his voice was quiet and nice and it calmed him. So he watched his videos. Some old ones, with other players and teams and where the goal is to keep your fortress safe and kill the others. He probably fell asleep watching, because he woke up and the twenty minutes video is over and Evan was sure he didn’t hear him freak out and try to say goodbye because the day was ending.

Evan was thinking that he would have to go back to school the next day. Luckily, it was a Wednesday, so he didn't have class in the afternoon. He still had five hours, though, including an hour of philosophy and two hours of maths. On the other hand, having been akumatized, he would probably be summoned by the school psychologist to talk about feelings and how to control them and Evan really didn’t want to have this conversation with a complete stranger because he would also have the same talk with Dr. Sherman and that would already be enough. Plus they would all try to convince him to go to one of these stupid group talks for Akuma victims and Evan really didn’t want to go there because it would mean talking in front of more stranger.

\----

And yet, here he was, Wednesday afternoon, just outside of the group talk room. He had been to school and had been to the school psychologist and she had told him to go to the group session and then his mom had called and had told him that she had called Dr. Sherman and that they both had agreed that Evan should go to the group talk.

So here he was. He knocked on the door and quickly got in and sat on one of the closest chairs. The chairs were all in a big circle and it made Evan uncomfortable. He thought someone welcomed him but he wasn’t sure.So he just stared at his shoes, playing with the hem of his shirt, until he heard someone, a girl, talking, saying that they were going to start and then introducing herself.

Evan looked up from his shoes and quickly glanced over the room. And then he froze. He was here. Why was he here? Evan just kept staring.

And then, Connor Murphy looked up and their eyes met.

Evan tried to breathe. Everything was fine. Everything was fine. Everything was fine. He was just about to talk in front of a bunch of strangers and tell them why he got akumatized and Connor Murphy was there.

And Connor Murphy was one of the reasons he got akumatized.

Everything was fine. Everything was fine. Everything was fine. He turned his gaze away. The ceiling. The ceiling looked nice. Everything was fine. Evan would not start panicking. He would not. He would not. He would not.

“So, what about you?” someone said.

Evan looked down. Everyone was staring at him.

“Me?” he asked for confirmation.

“Yeah, you.”

The person speaking was the girl from the beginning. She was probably in her thirties. She had bright pink hair and tired eyes and a very very thin nose and she was smiling at him.

Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.

Evan breathed in. Evan breathed out.

“I, uh, I got akumatized on, on Monday,” he started. “G-Golem. That was, uh, that was me.”

And Evan found himself lying again. He didn’t say a thing about Connor. About how he had yelled at him, shoved him, stole his letter and yelled some more. He told them the same lie he told his mom. The only thing he didn’t lie about was telling them that he has anxiety. He didn’t know why he did. He just knew he did and then regretted it.

And then, he was finished and everyone was looking at him and he tried to catch his breath but it was so hard. And he thought the others spoke, but he couldn’t hear them.

Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. I’m okay. Okay, okay, okay.

By the end of the meeting, his breathing was finally better, but he only felt more nervous than before. He stepped out of the room, then out of the building. He leaned against the wall. Walls were nice. Very strong. Very straight. Always there to help you not fall on the ground. Walls were nice. Walls were good. Walls were great.

He would have liked it better if the wall was cold, but no. Early September was still summer and it was so hot this year. Evan closed his eyes. Breathed in and out. In and out. In and out. Then he opened his eyes.

And closed them back again immediately.

Connor Murphy was standing in front of him. Evan didn’t want to talk to him. Didn’t want to see him. He could still remember his dreams and Golem and how he wanted to crush Connor in between of his enormous hands.

“You know, I won’t disappear just because you close your eyes.”

That was Connor. Connor was talking to him.  
Everything is fine, everything is fine, everything is fine.

He opened his eyes again. Connor was still here. He was also leaning against the walls because walls were nice.

“Hi,” he said.

He was squinting, probably because of the sun.

“Hi,” Evan answered. It’s fine it’s fine it’s fine.

“So, uh,” Connor continued. “Sorry for”. Evan heard him breathe heavily. “Sorry for yesterday. You know, yelling at you and all.”

Oh. Evan wasn’t expecting that. He didn’t really know what he was expecting. Not an apology. Why was Connor apologizing? That didn’t make sense. After all, Evan was the one who destroyed the school and hurt everyone. In and out. In and out. In and out.

“So, um, this is yours,” Connor said. He was handing Evan a piece of paper folded in four. Evan slowly took it.

He unfolded it. Dear Evan Hansen. He folded it again.

“Sorry for taking it and freaking out.”

That was still Connor. Connor was still talking. Connor was apologizing. Evan needed to speak, he knew it. He needed to say something. Something something something. But his brain wouldn’t work, or maybe his mouth wouldn’t work, or maybe his vocal cords wouldn’t work. One way or another, he couldn’t seem to speak.

“Uh, anyway, my mom’s here so...”Connor shrugged and walked away.

Evan let his eyes follow him. He was not sure if he could control them or if they were deciding for themselves. Just before entering a black car, Connor turned back to him.

“Is someone coming to pick you?” he asked.

Evan was not sure if he was controlling his head either. All he knew is that his head decided to shake from left to right as if it wanted to say no. I’ll walk. I can walk home. But somehow his mouth still didn’t want to cooperate. Evan thought that maybe he had definitively lost control of his body. Maybe Golem was still controlling him. But probably not, since he didn’t want to hear Connor spine snap.

“Do you want us to drive you to your place?”

That was Connor. Again. Evan wanted to say no, it’s okay, he could walk, he can walk, it’s not that far, well it’s like a thirty minutes walk in the sun but hey that’s totally okay. But he could not control his body. So his head nodded once and his legs started moving towards Connor and the black car and no no no no no no he can walk stop moving.

Connor looked at him once more and took a deep breath before opening the door.

“Hi mom, can we drive Evan home?” he asked.

“Oh, honey, of course we can!” His mother’s voice sounded a bit overenthusiastic. A bit like Evan’s mom when she tried to be as positive as possible.

Connor let Evan sit in the car and then sat down next to him and slammed the door.

“So, Evan, right? Where do you live?” Connor’s mother asked.

“Just go to the school and he’ll tell you from there,” Connor answered, and Evan was glad he did because he didn’t want to speak. He was not sure if his mouth would have agreed to speak.

Evan glanced at Connor. His arms were crossed over his chest. His shoulders were tensed. He was tensed. More than before, outside the building. Evan thought that if he had wanted to murder him, he’d probably have made it. Evan thought he has the worst survival instinct in the world. Then he remembered his cast and climbing a forty-foot oak and falling.

Mrs. Murphy was trying to make conversation and Connor answered her and Evan was glad he did cause his mouth still wouldn’t listen to him. He looked out of the windows, not really focusing on anything. There were some trees outside, on the sidewalk. That was nice. There also was someone cutting the branches because they could fall on cars and it would be dangerous and Evan didn’t think that cutting branches was nice.

He jumped a bit when Connor called him. He looked at him, confused.

“Where do we go from here?”

“Uh, t-turn left” Evan answered.

Mrs. Murphy did that. And then they were by his house.

“It’s… We’re here” he said.

Mrs. Murphy pulled over.

“T-thank you for d-driving me home”

“Oh, no problem, honey!” Mrs. Murphy exclaimed.

Evan opened the door.

“Connor, don’t you say bye to your friend?”

“Bye, Evan,” Connor said after a short silence.

“Bye, Connor.”

And Evan stepped out of the car and rushed to his room.


	2. Chapter 2

Evan woke up the next morning to the sound of his alarm clock. He hated that sound more than anything, probably because it was associated with school and Evan really didn’t like school. Except for science class. Science class was nice. He liked the teacher, even though most students hated her and Jared liked to call her an asshole. But Evan liked her. She was never mad at him. Probably because he had good grades. He had missed the first science class of the year, on Tuesday, but he had the same teacher as the year before.

Evan got up. Got dressed. Checked his plants on the windowsill. Took his bag. Went in the kitchen. His mom was there. She was about to leave. She had to be at work in less than twenty minutes, which meant she would probably be late. She kissed his forehead, wished him a good day and dashed out.

So Evan ate his breakfast alone. He brushed his teeth. He put on his shoes. He headed to school. He really didn’t have to walk a lot. Five minutes, maybe ten at most, a left turn, two crosswalks and he’s there.

He arrived at school just on time and went to his first class of the day, which also was his first science class of the year. He sat next to Jared, as always. They are only three classes where the two boys didn’t sit next to one another: physics/chemistry cause they had to sit in alphabetical order, English cause the class was weirdly separated and the twelve first students of the list were with twelve students from another class, and German cause Evan had taken German but Jared had taken Spanish.

The lesson was nice. They had just started a chapter about meiosis and there was something calming about drawing cells and chromosomes. After that, Evan had two hours of history/geography. Fortunately, they were separated by recess.

So, when the bell rang after an hour, Evan sat at one of the tables outside. He had taken a book with him, something about trees, obviously, about their defensive mechanism. It was really interesting. Evan knew that they had a whole chapter about that in science for later that year, but, hey, couldn’t hurt to know some stuff before that.

Someone sat down next to him. Evan thought for a second that it was Jared so he looked up. Of course it’s not Jared. Why would Jared hand out with him more than necessary? Evan’s brain then seemed to realize who was sitting next to him. Connor Murphy. Well, fuck.

“Hi,” Connor said.

“Uh, hi,” Evan answered. “Sorry about y-yesterday and –”

“Yeah, whatever, it’s fine” Connor cut him.

Evan stared at his book. There was a really nice oleander drawing. Really really really nice drawing. Oleanders really were fascinating. They had these little hairs to capt more water during summer and –

“So, uh, Evan,” Connor started once more. “It wasn’t the first time you were akumatized, right? You got akumatized last year too, didn’t you?”

And fuck. Evan thought everyone had forgotten about that. His last time as an Akuma had not been recorded because no one saw him.

“You were invisible, right?” Connor continued.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Evan didn’t want Connor Murphy telling him he was a freak because he got akumatized twice because who gets akumatized twice? Usually, Hawkmoth gets tired of you after one fail. But apparently, Evan was just so great at being a villain that Hawkmoth had to come back to him.

“Yes, I was, I know, that’s funny, right, cause like who gets akumatized twice? I mean, I know I’m a freak you don’t need to rub it in my face and make fun of me –”

“Dude, chill out,” Connor cut him once more. “If you’re a freak for having bee akumatized twice, then what am I?”

What did he mean?

“Wha – What do you mean?”

“I was like, akumatized, uh, three times, I think, and like, I caused you to be akumatized and all that.”

Oh.

“Oh.”

“So yeah, I’m the freak here.”

“That’s not what you said on Monday,” Evan mumbled without thinking, which is something that never actually happened and for some reasons it had happened at the wrong moment. Evan covered his mouth with his hands. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean –”

This time Evan was cut by Connor laughing. Evan froze. That wasn’t planned. Not of that was planned. Why was Connor even talking to him? Why was Connor laughing? He was probably making fun of him. He was definitively making fun of him.

“Yeah…Your friend pissed me off,” Connor explained. Was that an explanation? Maybe. Why was Connor explaining himself to Evan?

The bell rang again and startled him.

“Well, see you later,” Connor said to him before walking away.

Evan slowly got up, took his book and got in his classroom. He sat back next to Jared. He tried to focus on the lesson, he really did, but his mind kept slipping to Connor.

 ----

Lunchtime was finally there. Evan had forgotten to reserve his meal so he couldn’t eat at the cafeteria and he didn’t have anything on him. So no lunch for him.

He sat at one of the tables outside and took his book again. He had only read for a few minutes when someone sat down in front of him. Evan looked from his book. It was Connor Murphy. Again.

“Hi,” Connor said. “You’re not eating.”

“You’re not eating either,” Evan pointed.

“Forgot to book my meal.”

Connor crossed his arms on the table and laid his head on them. Evan looked at him for a few seconds. His brain still had trouble understanding why Connor spend his time with him. The only other person who spent time with Evan was Jared and he only did so that his parents paid his car insurance. So why was Connor spending time with him? What did he want from Evan?

“You’re staring.”

Connor’s voice cut Evan’s thought. He jumped in surprise.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

He looked back down at his book. He wanted to ask Connor about the three times he had been Akumatized. Why? Who had he been? But he wouldn’t do it. Simply because he didn’t want Connor to ask him about being Golem.

Evan had dreamed about that once again, that night. About how he wanted to crack Connor’s skull open. It was really weird to sit at a table with him after that. It had also been weird to see his mom and Jared and everyone. But mostly Connor, because he had wanted Connor dead more than anyone else.

Evan risked another gaze at Connor. He still had his eyes closed and his head on his arms. Somehow Connor felt that Evan was looking at him again and spoke.

“My mom thinks we’re best friends, now.”

“O-oh. Why-y?”

“Cause we drove you home and she saw your cast.”

That made sense. Probably seeing your son’s name written that big on someone else’s cast would leave you thinking they’re friends. Connor and Evan weren’t friends, though. Connor did say, right after signing Evan’s cast that they could now both pretend to have friends.

“S-seems like your, your whole ‘pretending to be friends’ thing worked, then” he stuttered.

“Yeah.”

They fell silent once again. Evan tried to get back to his book but his mind kept drifting away to Connor and pretending to be friends and wanting to crush Connor’s body into his enormous hands.

Maybe Connor wanted to keep pretending they were friends. Maybe his mom was worried he didn't have friends and he wanted to reassure her. Evan thought it couldn't hurt to go with it. His own mom would be thrilled that he had a friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An alarm went off and both boys looked up. They knew that alarm and Evan hated it. It was the school’s Akuma attack alarm. Someone in school had been Akumatized. At the worst time possible. If they had been in class, the teacher would have told them what to do. But right now, no one was there to tell Evan what to do. So he just stood there, lost.

The rest of the week passed without any important event. No Akuma attack. Connor had sat with Evan at every recess. Evan was still very nervous about that, but hey, he had told his mom that he had a friend and she had seemed very happy. She had told Evan that she would love to meet Connor. Evan didn't plan on introducing Connor to his mom. They weren't really friends, after all.

Evan had discovered that he hated philosophy class. And his English teacher, though she wasn't as bad as the one from the year before. She insisted on interrogating every student in the class, including Evan.

Evan didn’t like English in general. Or German. Both subjects had an oral exam at the end of the year, and Evan dreaded those. Plus, learning a new language was hard, and Evan was really bad at it.

It was Monday morning, and Evan started with English class, at 8:30. Great. Even better, Jared wasn’t in the same class as him in English, because of how weird the school was: a third of the students from Evan’s class had English with a third from another class, while the other two third had English with another teacher. The teacher arrived early. She seemed to always do that. Class started and they talked about the UK. Evan managed to get out of class without being interrogated.

He had Physics/Chemistry after that, and god, he hated that teacher too. He spent most of the lesson talking about his personal life and giving them shitty advice: “Don’t study more than twenty minutes the same subject.”

 ----

He met with Connor during recess. He looked really tired. He always looked tired.

“Hey”, Evan greeted him.

Connor waved at him.

“You don’t have your book,” he said.

“No. I f-finished it.”

“Was it good?”

“It was i-interesting,” Evan replied.

They didn’t talk more than that and Evan had to go back to class. He had two hours of maths. That was long. But at least the numbers filled up his head completely.

\----

After that, it was lunch time, again. And again, Evan had forgotten to book his meal. That happened fairly often on Mondays. So he made sure to book his meal for the rest of the week, and for the week after that as well. He then sat at his table outside, alone. At one point, Connor joined him. He sat silently in front of Evan, his head in his arms, like he always did, or at least like he had done the past week.

An alarm went off and both boys looked up. They knew that alarm and Evan hated it. It was the school’s Akuma attack alarm. Someone in school had been Akumatized. At the worst time possible. If they had been in class, the teacher would have told them what to do. But right now, no one was there to tell Evan what to do. So he just stood there, lost.

He heard Connor swear. He grabbed Evan’s arm and the boys started running toward the staff parking lot.

That was a bad idea.

The Akuma landed right in front of them. Connor pushed Evan and they hid behind a bright blue car. But Evan had had time to see the Akuma. It was a big fiery mass with a vaguely human form, with fire tentacles.

Evan and Connor were both holding their breaths, in order to avoid being spotted by the Akuma. It seemed to be occupied by something else because there was no more fire around them.

Evan heard voices. Ladybug and Chat Noir. They came really fast, Evan thought. He heard Ladybug invoke her Lucky Charm and the sounds of the battle faded. Ladybug and Chat Noir probably lured the Akuma away from the school.

Both Connor and Evan risked an eye over the car. The parking lot seemed safe.

“Fuck,” Connor said. “Let’s get out of here.”

Evan nodded and suddenly they were outside his apartment. His mind was clouded. He was being caught by his thoughts about last week. About being so big and crushing buildings with his feet and the people inside of the buildings being crushed by the roof falling on them.

Connor snapped his fingers in front of Evan’s eyes to get his attention.

“I was saying that the Akuma went towards my house, so I can’t really go home.”

“Oh. You can come to my house if you want to.”

Evan heard himself say it and took a few seconds to process the fact that he had just invited Connor Murphy to his house. Without even stuttering. What was wrong with him today? He hated having people over. It made him stressed about every single little detail, like if his bed is made properly or if it’s normal to have plants on your windowsill or green watercolor painting on his ceiling.

But he had offered Connor to go home with him and now he couldn’t say no because it would just be so embarrassing “sorry my body is working faster than my brain because my brain is still remembering how I wanted to crush you into my hands last week”.

There was no way he could ever say that to Connor. But it was so very weird to walk with Connor. Evan kept glancing behind his shoulder. He was scared the Akuma would come back. He wondered who it was, under all that fire, and why they had been angry or sad or really nervous or whatever to get Akumatized.

 ----

Luckily, they arrived at Evan’s building without any incident and Evan lead Connor inside his apartment, and then into his room because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you have friends over? But was Connor his friend?

Evan sat on his bed and Connor followed, after a hesitation. Connor was holding one of his arms close to his chest.

“Are you – are you okay?” Evan asked really quietly and it startled Connor.

“Yeah, yeah, I just –” He showed Evan his arm like he doesn’t know how to explain. There was a burn. That was definitively a burn, Evan thought. Oh god. What was he supposed to do? What are you supposed to do when your guest has a fucking burn on his wrist?

Evan got up a little too quickly. Ice. Cold. You put ice on burns to make them better, right? Connor was looking at him funny. Evan made a little hand gesture, hoped Connor would interpret that as “I’m going to get some ice from the freezer for your burn, I’ll be back in a minute please don’t blow up my room.”

Evan got out of his room and got to the kitchen. His body was fully on autopilot and his brain was being annoying. Why was he trying to help someone he wanted dead the week before? Shut up shut up shut up I don’t want him dead that wasn’t me that was Golem but I am Golem, after all right? Shut up shut up shut up.

He opened the freezer and realized he didn’t have actual ice cubes. Well. A frozen bag of peas would do. He took it and went back to his room. Connor was still sitting on the bed, holding his arm to his chest, almost like he couldn’t feel that burn on his wrist and like it was just a small bruise.

Evan handed him the bag of peas.

“Thanks,” Connor said and put it on his wrist and the burns disappear under the bag of peas. “Did you paint all of these?”

He was pointing at the ceilings and all the green watercolors. Evan sat back next to him and nodded.

“Yes. It’s, s-sometimes I just, I n-need to keep my hands b-busy and watercolors are n-nice.” And he’s back to stuttering.

“There’s a lot of green,” Connor pointed out and Evan nodded.

Green was nice. Green was the colors of the trees. Well, of most trees. Of the ones that produce oxygen.

Evan wondered when his mom would come back from work. Sometimes she came home at three in the afternoon, sometimes she came home at three in the morning. She never knew. Then he remembered that his phone battery was almost empty so he fumbled in his bag to find his phone and he plugged it.

Connor didn’t talk and Evan didn’t talk and Evan’s brain was feeling very chatty because his thoughts kept spiraling and spiraling to Golem and buildings collapsing and anger anger anger. Golem Golem Golem. Anger anger anger. Golem Golem Golem. Buildings buildings buildings anger anger anger Golem Golem Golem anger anger anger buildings buildings buildings anger anger anger Golem Golem Golem buildings buildings buildings –

“That was me, last week.” Evan blurted out at one point because he needed to get it all out of his head because it was going to explode or implode and he didn’t know which one would be worse.

“Evan?” Connor turned his head to him, but Evan didn’t look at him.

“I was the one destroying everything and hurting people and everything.”

“Everything is rebuilt now. People have healed.”

“Not the ones that are dead.”

“People are dead?” Connor sounded… concerned?

Evan nodded.

“Buildings collapsed on them. I killed them, Connor.”

He had tears in his eyes. He could feel them burning. Connor pressed the bag of peas more onto his skin.

“No, you didn’t. Golem did.”

“But I’m Golem!”

“No, you’re not. He’s the Akumatized version of you, a monster that was created on your deepest darkest feelings.”

“Well, then, they got killed because I’m shit at controlling my emotions!”

He yelled that last sentence. He was crying. Explosion, then, not implosion.

Connor put the bag of peas away and pulled him into a hug.

It was … weird. Il shut Evan’s brain down, which was a nice thing. Evan was not used to hugging people or being hugged by others. Sure, his mom hugged him every now and then, but apart from that…

It was weird. And warm. Connor’s sweatshirt was really soft. And Evan’s cast was sinking into his chest, and that was uncomfortable. And probably the reason why Connor let go of him so quickly. Or maybe Connor just didn’t like hugs. But then why would he hug Evan in the first place?

Both boys avoided eye contact for a long, really long, really awkward moment until Connor decided to speak.

“I… read your letter. Uh, the one you wrote to yourself? And, uh, that was some pretty bad shit, that you wrote in there. The whole ‘nobody would notice if I disappeared and all that. But, like, you somehow managed to write, uh, what I was thinking? And am still thinking. I think. Uh, even your thing about Zoe, that’s something I think a lot. But, it’s like, I can’t find the words, you know? And you did? Find the words. And it’s, weird because your letter looks like my brain? Safe from the ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ and the “your dearest friend whatever’ thing.”

Evan wondered why all his sentences sounded like questions. His voice went up that way. He was still avoiding eye contact and was fairly certain Connor was too. Evan guessed talking about the messes in their head was not a conversation where you looked the other in the eyes.

“And uh,” Connor carried on. “I … Now, I would notice if you, uh, vanished into thin air, or whatever. So that makes one person. And you can stop worrying about that, I guess.”

Then he fell silent. Neither of them spoke for a while. Evan didn’t really know what to say to Connor. His brain was having some trouble computing the latest information. The hug and the… monologue after that.

Finally, he brought his gaze up and looked at Connor.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m Alana, in case you didn’t know.” She smiled at him and she looked nice, really, she did. But she was the best student in the whole class and she was fluent in English or something and Evan couldn’t speak English to save his life. English was really hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello!  
> I have exams on Monday so enjoy a new chapter!

“So, I will now give you a paper with four different documents. With your neighbor, you will choose one, describe and analyze it. Then, probably next time, you will present it to the class.”

Evan froze. No. He didn’t want to talk in front of the whole class. Especially not in English. And he didn’t want to work with his neighbor. He didn’t want to do that stupid thing. But he didn’t really have the choice.

“Hi! You’re Evan, right?” his neighbor said and Evan turned to her. Brown hair, brown skin, glasses. He knew her from far away.

Evan nodded.

“I’m Alana, in case you didn’t know.” She smiled at him and she looked nice, really, she did. But she was the best student in the whole class and she was fluent in English or something and Evan couldn’t speak English to save his life. English was really hard.

“So,” Alana went on. “What document do you want to do?”

Evan looked down at the paper. He tried to breathe slowly to calm his heartbeat. He pointed to the first document on the paper, for no other reason that it was the first document. Alana nodded enthusiastically, still smiling.

“Okay. So, first, we describe it. It’s a poster?” she said, switching to English for the last part.

“Isn’t it o-on a t-truck?” Evan asked in French, after looking at the picture.

“Oh, you’re absolutely right.” She continued in English. “It’s a poster on a truck about illegal immigration?”

They spent the remaining twenty minutes working on that document, and Alana really wasn’t that bad. She didn’t seem to care that Evan only spoke in French and that she had to translate everything to English. She didn’t seem to care about his stuttering or his lack of idea. And she had asked Evan if she could do the oral presentation, and Evan was really fine with that.

\-----

Jared accosted him at recess.

“So, Acorn, what was Connor doing at your place yesterday?”

“W-what? How d-do you know t-that?”

“Your mom called my mom and they talked for like one hour at like midnight yesterday. And your mom told my mom that she had met your new friend. Connor.”

“Oh. Um, the A-Akuma attack,” Evan said, as an explanation.

“So, are you, like, trying to replace me with that freak?” Jared asked. “Oh, no, wait, I know! You’re starting a group, something exclusive, only for the ones that have been akumatized several times! The freaks of the school!”

He said that with a huge smile on his face and Evan felt a wave of acid washing over him, twisting his stomach and making him feel sick.

“N-no,” he said, or tried to say, he couldn’t hear anything but white noise. “It’s… it’s –”

But Jared said something that Evan couldn’t hear and left him and Evan somehow managed to walk to his usual table, even though he had acid burning holes in his stomach.

Connor was there already. He saw Evan and opened his mouth and articulated something but Evan couldn’t hear him. His head was full of cotton and his stomach was full of acid and his ears were full of nothing.

Evan sat on the table and pressed the palm of his hands against his eyes for a moment to … refocus? … himself and he could finally hear Connor ask him if he was okay. He sounded perplexed. He sat next to him on the table, his feet on the bench.

Evan managed to nod. Yes. He was fine. Just cotton-headed and acid-stomached.

“Did something happen?” Connor asked and Evan didn’t want to look at him so he stared into the distance, to the teachers’ parking lot.

“N-not really,” Evan answered. Because nothing really had happened, right? He was just overreacting to a joke Jared made. Right?

“So it’s normal for you to just sit for five minutes trying to push your eyes back into your skull while not answering others?”

“I-i wasn’t d-doing that”, Evan muttered. “I j-just couldn’t, couldn’t hear y-you.”

“So is it normal for you to go deaf for five minutes?”

“No,” Evan said.

“So what happened to make you go deaf?” Connor raised an eyebrow at Evan.

“N-nothing.” Connor raised his other eyebrow. “Jared made a s-stupid joke and I overreacted.”

“What did he say?”

Evan repeated the joke to Connor, looking once more to the teachers’ parking lot. Once he was done, Connor sighted.

“He’s an asshole. Why do you even hang out with him?” Connor’s mouth was twisted with disgust.

“He… we’re friends. Well, family friends,” Evan stuttered, and he explained when he saw Connor’s perplexed look. “Our m-moms are friends so w-we have to hang, to hang out so Jared’s parents p-pay his car insurance.”

“That’s not a valid reason. I’m not changing my mind about him. He’s a fucking asshole.”

“He also was the only p-person who would t-talk to me at s-school,” Evan muttered. Connor didn’t answer for a while and Evan thought he didn’t hear him.

So his brain started overthinking again. About what had happened the day before. The Akuma attack. Connor coming back home with him. The Hug and the Talk. After that, Evan’s mom had arrived home from work and had hugged Evan and had given Connor some cream for his burn and Connor had stared at her like she was an angel or something and then they had learned that Connor hadn’t told anyone from his family were he was and Heidi had forced him to call his mom. He had to go home, after that, and when he left, things were still a bit awkward between him and Evan.

Evan had then eaten with his mom. They had a really serious talk about Connor and his mom had told him she was glad he had a new friend and she had said that he could come over whenever he wanted and that Evan should invite him for dinner one of those days.

Connor’s voice cut him from his thoughts.

“That’s pretty sad. He still called you a freak. Therefore he still is an asshole.”

The bell rang and Evan had to go back to class.

\-----

 Evan had therapy that night, right after school. Dr. Sherman asked him about the Akuma attack from the day before and about his day at school and Evan answered without thinking and probably lying. He didn’t remember what he had answered.

When he got home, he sat at his desk and tried doing some maths homework but his head was still full of cotton, so he ended up painting while watching some Minecraft videos by that one youtuber who had a really soft voice that sometimes managed to untangle the mess in his head.

He accidentally painted one of his finger green and stared at it for a minute, before painting his all hand. Green, blue, purple and a bit of pink. He looked at it and it almost made him laugh. It almost made him cry, too.

The paint was beginning to dry and it was pulling on some hairs. But Evan liked having his hand painted. So he kept the paint and carried on painting on paper. Green and green again and a hint of pink.

The video he was watching ended and Evan want to the bathroom. He washed his hand three times, until the paint was totally gone, and then he washed the sink three times. He caught his reflection on the mirror and stood there for a moment, just looking at himself. He wanted to cry.

So he went back in his room, curled up under the covers and put his headphones on. He didn’t put music on. His phone was too far away and he didn’t want to get up again.

He woke up later and couldn’t tell if he had cried or not. But he had a headache and his mom wasn’t home from work so he got back to sleep.

 -----

 The next day, he met Connor at lunch at their usual table.

“Not eating?” Connor asked him.

“F-forgot to book the m-meal. And you?”

“Didn’t have enough money on my card to book it. It sucks. There are fries today.”

Evan nodded and took out his maths exercises. He had an hour to finish them. He could do it. Or maybe not. He stared at the page for a minute before giving up. He didn’t even understand the wording of the exercise. Maths was hard.

Connor looked at his exercise.

“Yeah, I can’t help you with that.”

That was the problem. No one could. His mom wasn’t home to help and Jared sucked at maths. Except at arithmetic, which was his favorite subject and probably where he got the best grades.

“My mom wants to meet you,” Connor said at one point. “She wants me to invite you to dinner.”

“Oh.”

“It won’t happen though. I don’t want you to go to my house. Not because… you’re not the problem. My house is cursed or something. It ruins everything. So don’t come.”

“O-okay. My mom s-says you can come w-whenever you want.”

Connor half-smiled. “She’s amazing.”

 -----

 “Okay, so, time’s up!” the teacher said. “You will now present to the class what you have done with your partner. Who worked on the first document?”

Alana smiled confidently and raised her hand, as well as five or six other people. Evan wanted to disappear. That familiar feeling was showing up again. The one that made Evan want to rip open his throat and rip off all the tubes inside. It was such a nice feeling.

Evan took a pen and started doodling on a piece of paper. He had to keep his hands busy because else they would start scratching his throat and then it would start to bleed and then it would get infected and then he would die.

That was another fun thing with his brain. It was always so scared of everything because it might kill him but at the same time, it made him climb trees and fall.

“Yes, Marie, go ahead,” the teacher said, and Evan tried to breathe because he wouldn’t have to say anything in front of the whole class so that nice feeling should go away.

But it wasn’t going away. And Evan could barely breathe. And Marie stopped talking and the teacher nodded and asked “Anyone wants to add something? No? Alana, Evan, something?”

And at that moment, Evan hated her more than anything. Alana said something but Evan couldn’t hear. His ears were full of white noise and he was shaking and he wanted to go home and curl up under his cover and maybe watch some dumb videos or listen to some stupid music or paint green nothings and put it on his ceiling. But he couldn’t. He was stuck in school.

He somehow managed to survive until the bell rang.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Alana asked him and Evan said that yes, he was fine, sorry and she shrugged.

“If you say so. Anyway, good work!” she said before awkwardly knocking fists with him.


	5. Chapter 5

It was a grey Monday. The sun was gone, the heat was slowly following and Evan's cast would soon be to follow. It filled Evan with relief. It meant that Evan could finally go to school with a hoodie, without being too warm and wearing it normally. He really wanted his cast gone. It was too heavy and annoying to shower with and it was a constant reminder of the summer and the tree and everything.

Before leaving his house, Evan put a jacket over his shoulder. He couldn't put his arms in the sleeves because of his cast. He almost forgot his keys and almost locked himself outside for the rest of the day.  
School was a blur and Evan's head hurt and he couldn't take notes so he just slept on his table.

Evan ate alone that day. Jared had disappeared somewhere and Connor was nowhere to be seen. Probably he had forgotten to book his meal again. Evan hadn't, for once. He'd have to check if he had for the rest of the week.

Evan had PE after that. Basketball. It was awful and he hurt his ankle during warm-ups.   
So Evan sat at his usual table at recess. He still had one hour of class after that. He wanted to take a shower. He could, technically. There were showers in the changing rooms, but no one ever used them. No time and no trust.

Connor was sitting on the other side of the table, his head resting in his arms.

He called Evan at some point.

"Yes?"

"Do you want to hang out after school?"

"Uh...o-okay."

"Cool."

_What could go wrong?,_ Evan thought to try and reassure himself.

_A lot_ , his brain answered, and the bell cut him through his list of everything that could get very wrong.

\----

Evan met with Connor in front of the school. They walked in silence for a while in the streets of Paris. Evan thought it was very fortunate to have a hero who could magically fix all damages because else, the city of Paris wouldn't exist anymore. That would be sad. Kind of. Probably. Evan wouldn't have a home anymore.

The boys stopped in a park and they sat on the grass, in the sun. Evan was hugging his knees against his chest and resting his cast against his legs, and Connor had one leg close to his chest, his chin on his knee, and his other leg lying on the ground. The sun was all tangled in his hair and it looked golden and it was kind of blinding but it was kind of pretty as well. Evan had noticed at one point that it did the same with Zoe’s. Which seemed fair, since they were siblings.

Connor sighed and picked some grass.

“I wish I had a car,” he said. “And a license.”

“What f-for?” Evan asked.

“To get away from here. Drive somewhere. Leave.”

“Well, you n-need to wait for a b-bit more f-for that.”

“I know. It fucking sucks.”

“You could. You could get a s-scooter.”

Connor half-smiled and Evan half-smiled too.

“I doubt my parents would agree to pay for the license. Or for the scooter.”

They both fell silent.

“I have o-one”, Evan said after a few seconds. “A l-license.”

“But not the scooter?”

Evan shook his head. Too expensive. And he wouldn't have much use of it. He could go to school walking. Maybe to go to his therapist. But riding a scooter was fucking scary.

“That’s fucking unfair. You get to drive a scooter, Zoe can drive a car with mom, even Jared can drive a car, and I’m the poor Connor who has to take the bus or the subway to go anywhere.”

“Actually, I have to t-take the bus too,” Evan retorted.

“Yeah, but you can drive a scooter if you had one!”

“And you c-could drive without an l-license.”

“Evan. I didn’t think you were the type to break the laws.”

“I’m n-not breaking the l-law!” Evan protested. “You, you’re the one d-driving without a license!”

Connor smiled and Evan smiled too. 

They stayed in the park for a while, Evan didn't know exactly how long. They left when Connor's phone rang and Connor tensed up and Connor told Evan he had to go home.

Evan felt exhausted after that. Just a normal day of school was exhausting, being surrounded by people all day, and the additional hanging out with Connor had drained him.

He ate some cereal, put on some new video by the same YouTuber he always watched and painted. Green and green and blue and gold.

\----

Evan was sitting in English class once more. It was too early and he couldn't understand what the lady in the recording was saying. Fortunately, the teacher did not ask him what he had understood. She had asked another student who had been sleeping on his table and Evan felt glad for a second like that kid deserved it. Then he felt bad for thinking that.

The teacher told the class they had to write a dialogue with a partner, something about the UK being a welcoming country or something. Evan wanted to disappear.

Alana turned to him with a bright smile.

"Do you want to do it with me?" she asked.

Evan froze for an instant. He didn't want to do it at all, not with Alana, not with anyone. But, if he had to do it, Alana was the best choice of partner. At least Evan knew her. And they had already worked together and it had been okay.

So Evan nodded and Alana's smile got even bigger. Then the teacher told them they'd do it in class and they could start now. The bell rang right after she said it and she laughed and told them they'd start the next lesson.

Evan sat next to Jared next period and Jared didn't acknowledge his existence for the whole lesson.

Evan sat at the usual table during recess. Connor was already there, his head in his arms, as always. Evan got his math notebook out of his bag. He had forgotten to do his exercises because of sleeping and Youtube and nature documentaries and running out of dark green paint. So he had just fifteen minutes to do them.

The first question was okay. But the rest... Evan stared at his exercise for a few minutes.

"Hi again, Evan!" Alana said happily. Evan looked up. She was standing next to him. "Oh, you're doing your maths."

It sounded like she had wanted to say something else. She looked at Evan's messy calculations.

" You have a sign error, " she said, frowning. "There, you forgot the minus."

Evan looked where she was pointing. She was right. Evan mumbled a "thank you" and she smiled at him.

"I wanted to talk to you about the English thing, " she explained. "But I should probably let you finish your exercises."

"Good luck with that, " Connor muttered. He was looking at them. "He was in the middle of a staring contest with them."

"Oh, " Alana said. "Do you want some help?"

Evan glared at Connor before nodding to Alana. She sat next to him. She tried her best to help Evan.

The bell rang and Evan and Alana got to their math class together, Alana talking and talking and talking. After a hesitation, she asked Evan if she could sit next to him and he agreed because it would always be better than sitting next to Jared who kept ignoring him.

Strangely, the lesson was kind of clear in Evan's head. 


End file.
